Knock You Down
by honeyberry2000
Summary: An alternate reality is the sum of pieces not reconciled, choices not made,and actions not taken or in some cases the reverse is true.
1. Intro

**…pretending to understand everything the why and the wherefore and in reality not knowing their own minds.--James Joyce, _Ulysses_**

**An alternate reality is the sum of pieces not reconciled, choices not made, and actions not taken or in some cases the reverse is true.**

"An alternate reality?!?"

"Precisely."

Pondering the facts of the reality in which they found themselves each member of the bridge crew considered the idea in slight awe of the possibility and now its definite certainty. From the moment the premise was introduced a small doubt opened in her heart. She couldn't place the feeling it was powerful and awe inspiring, yet discouraging. That meant that there was another world out there, with another her, another Spock, another Enterprise, to quote her favorite Vulcan…it was 'Fascinating.'


	2. Chapter 1

**Prime**

She was just as enchanting as she was before, younger than he ever knew her, nevertheless lovely all the same. She had yet to grow into the full curves he'd known for so long. Her hair was a long ebony mane of silken hair and her smile bewitching. Despite himself a smile played on his lips. She was speaking to an Andorian lieutenant before she turned her attention again to the crowd; I could tell she saw me when her posture disintegrated slightly in shock.

I continued to move in the crowd towards the hesitant, staring, woman in red. Her eyes widened as though she was staring at a ghost.

'_Spock?' _She mouthed silently, before repeating it aloud, and then her eyes locked on mine.

The statement was simple yet broke my resolve all the same. Her voice. I had not heard the tinkling resonance of her voice in almost a century. The emotion that overwhelmed me was almost devastating as it clenched my heart at my side. Naturally the lust of the moment was unmistakable, but the affection I felt was all consuming.

She corrected her posture, as I approached.

**Nyota**

I stared across the room at my 'lover', or more specifically, a man he had not yet become, maybe a man he would never be. The lines on his face announced such an accomplished spirit yet his hairstyle seemed to have retained the impishness of his youth, while settling on a dignified white-ish gray shade. I cocked my head to the side slightly staring at him before he noticed my gaze from within the small crowd. The elder man's chocolate eyes locked on mine and his easy smile startled me, but all I needed to know was in his eyes as they were the same that knew my soul more intimately than I knew myself.

He seemed to glide to my position in the hanger, his movements graceful despite the advanced age, before coming to a stop a scant few feet from me. I stood transfixed, he was indeed Spock, and there was no denying the resemblance. He held a gleam of recognition and possibly relief in his eyes before he spoke.

"Nyota Uhura." He didn't say it like _him_; it lacked the familiarity of lovers but held an intonation of old friends.

I felt the most irrational pang of disappointment.

"Ambassador Spock I presume."

His eyebrow flickered upward. "Your presumption is correct… lieutenant." I could tell he was about to call me by my first name, but deferred to decorum and formality. Definitely Spock. I nodded dumbly as a blatantly stared at his face up close this time. His one hundred seventy years had been kind. "I understand you must have...questions."


	3. Chapter 2

**Nyota**

Questions??? Yeah I had a million. I thought begrudgingly, but only a few I really wanted the answers to. As if sensing my thought he chuckled softly. My eyes opened wide in shock, Spock chuckling. It was such a foreign noise to my ears yet so melodic that I wished I could have heard before.

His deep voice pulled me from my reverie. "What do you wish to understand?"

He must have known about Spock's decision to leave Starfleet. Ironically it was information _he_ should share with _himself_.

I began on a tangent in my mind about how many mental issues having a future self should cause. I was actually shocked Spock was so calm about the whole ordeal.

Out of all the questions I really just wanted to know if he had any insight. I needed a cheat or maybe just reassurance, but before I could reign in my inappropriate flow of consciousness the word vomit just would not comply.

"What happens to us? Are we going to make it? Are you going to stay?" the echo I heard in my head sounded so desperate and slapped my hands over my mouth in the hopes of stopping the rapid fire of questions still in queue from escaping. The last question was a deeper thought of hope that he had in another time, and would in this one,stay… with me… _forever_.

He smiled again. A **real** full smile not the curt nod or smirk I usually got from _my_ Spock.

"Nyota the world I knew, for better or worse does not exist." He moved even closer into my personal space. The experience was not as intimidating as it should have been.

"Your timeline is now the standard…" he paused, thoughtfully. "Perhaps this sequence of events will be kinder from this point on."

I gave him an uneasy smile that threatened to crack as I saw the pain in his eyes. He lost Vulcan too. Countless family members, friends and colleagues that my Spock had yet to meet, some that were never born, all of them…gone. He felt the guilt of losing his home world and that of Romulus in a time yet to be experienced. As to date that embattled world still hung suspended in the heavens with its five billion inhabitants, all oblivious to the peril that would befall over a century from now.

Though he was not my Spock, I felt the love in my soul for the man in any form he presented himself. I saw my arm rise and seemed to have no control on its destination as I involuntarily touched his cheek.

Immediately I felt as if I'd been jolted by electricity, I experienced it. _Love unrepressed, passionate,_ and directed at me. His hand curved around the one on his cheek. He lifted it and gingerly kissed the palm. I shivered.

"I never told her." He whispered. I concluded he must have known the emotions he projected. "I have always and will forever harbor these emotions for you Nyota."

I swallowed hard, apprehensive of the direction of his thoughts.

"I can only hope my counterpart does not waste his chance." The Ambassadors eyes took on a wistful quality.

I blinked nervously. Not one word came to my lips. What kind of linguist was I?

During that moment in time we were oblivious to the crowd of people socializing around us as his eyes rose to my own. He looked as though he would kiss me, and the knowledge thrilled me slightly. If he did I would not protest, I might even return his advances. That thought stunned me.

He was Spock, however advanced in age, it was still him. Instead he bowed his forehead to lean on mine. I felt the intensity of his emotion from this small contact. His deep baritone barely a whisper, "I love you, Nyota."

My eyes set on his confused for this blatant display of emotion.

He continued, "I do not apologize for this emotion. The only regret I harbor is that I did not tell you this information prior."

I smiled, a really face splitting smile. This man old enough to be my grandfather twice over, with the soul and persona of a man I loved with every fiber of my being, snapped my already fragile emotional control. A single tear rolled down my face. _'I love you too.'_ The words were unspoken yet he seemed to understand through the simple contact of our skin.

His hand rose to my face. "May I?"

I shook my head dumbly in affirmation. Then I saw the flashes.

**Authors Note: Here's the deal my lovelies, I have two endings written for this story (I was always a fan of those **_**Choose Your Own Adventure**_** books) and one is a little more explicit and may warrant a higher rating (not really bad just adult situations) while the other sets a course for something entirely different. I will leave it up to **_**you,**_** my readers to decide the fate of our star-crossed threesome. Thanks for reading. **


	4. Chapter 3

**Sorry this took so long...onward.**

**Nyota**

I was in his mind, witnessing the day he met _her_, or me or whatever adjective was appropriate for this situation. It was another time and another place, and oddly enough we met in a transporter dock.

_Spock__ stood by Captain Pike receiving new crew members when a slightly older version of myself stepped off the transporter pad. _

_I could feel his thoughts or the impression of them. He received an immediate jolt of an emotion he could not place. It was alien to my senses yet resembled the human sensation of attraction. His thoughts were diluted with musings of her skin and how it was the color of the richest milk chocolate, and how she had the most entrancing eyes. He fought with himself to maintain protocol, efficiently diverting his eyes to the PADD in his hands. _

_That Nyota Uhura stood at attention and relayed her information, name, rank and specialty before the both of the ranking officers, who nodded their acknowledgement before proceeding to the next crew member. _

_Somewhere in his ever efficient mind, Spock processed _that_ Uhura's familiarity and was vaguely aware he may have seen her in his treks across the campus of Starfleet Academy, consumed in conversation with other cadets or fully engaged in a PADD, yet they were never in close proximity to one another. He concluded his musings of that Nyota with a curt nod before nodding to the next crew member to present themselves. _

_The scene began to transition and they were on a planet in Grecian attire being held against their will. That Uhura was in Kirk's embrace as a noticeably forced kiss ensued, a sliver of jealousy and helplessness rose in him as he fought the control projected on him._

_His memories shifted again; his eyes drifted to her station on the bridge as she patched a communication to the Captain. The play of her fingers as they dashed expertly across her console, gripped him in a sudden jolt of lust._

_Years later, a much older and graying Uhura was in the close proximity of an elder Montgomery Scott. _

_I could feel his regret, yet the logical knowledge that he had missed his chance with her long ago; nevertheless he still felt the pangs of resentment… _

Then as suddenly as the meld began, the ambassador pulled away.

I gasped as the impressions ended the emotions imposed on my mind so alien and intense I was completely overwhelmed. I now had more questions than answers. Most curious was the fact that in that timeline Spock was never my instructor, my lover or anything other than a professional acquaintance. What was so different?

Secondly was the aspect that _they_ didn't meet until almost five years later than she and Spock met in this reality.

Third was, Scotty??? Seriously! Nothing against the spry engineer but he was definitely not my type.

It was all very odd and such a perversion of events that it momentarily took my breath away.

**Spock**** Prime**

I chuckled softly at her awe and the realization of this timeline's actual first meeting. I saw it in her mind as I transferred the details of my experience to her.

_It was the day of the recruit reception. _The one I had skipped to avoid Leila_. _

Shaking my head ruefully, I realized that, those few hours of avoidance of one woman for an evening deprived me of a lifetime with the woman I was meant to be with.

Choices.

I saw my younger self in her memories brief flashes of their young relationship.

_Their first kiss a soft fluttering of the lips during a study session, and his stoic shock. _

_His birthday when she went out of her way to plan a special day, complete with an ancient Terran custom of inflated latex spheres called balloons, even though it was illogical to celebrate the simple beginning of one's existence. _

_A flash of times when they were intimate… _I put an immediate stop to that train of thought_._ It was specious to dwell upon the sexual aspect of their relationship.

Now that I had the privilege to again gaze at her beautiful face, my mind began to consume itself with regret; however illogical it was to do so.

**Nyota**

Her face dropped demurely, avoiding his eyes in preparation for her next question.

"Ambassador, did you ever tell… _her_?"

He shook his head. "No." the answer was simple but the inflection in his voice somber.

He touched my hands again seeming to marvel in their youth and energy. I wondered if he could feel the love I held for his younger self through the gentle caress. He gazed at our hands; so different, old and young, dark with the twinge of flushed red and pale, tinted green. He caressed my slender fingers lovingly; no longer odd now that I knew they had haunted his dreams for over a century.

"It began from the recruiting gala, did it not?" His eyes rose to meet mine.

The statement seemed to emerge from nowhere, and a confused expression crossed my features before I realized he was referring to how _our_ relationship began.

In truth nothing happened there. We exchanged greetings and casual pleasantries lasting all of three minutes before drifting around the room to socialize. But it was defiantly lust at first sight, at least on my part. I later came to find that Spock had been similarly attracted.

"It did… for me." I confessed.

He quirked his eyebrow in a knowing expression, which conveyed that he, knew his counterpart felt likewise. Strongly.

I giggled nervously and gave him an unabashed grin.

My laughter seemed to stoke something in him and it just so happened that we were already in such close proximity that when he gathered me up for a full blown hug, tucking my head under his chin, I was fully amenable.

To any casual observer the embrace gave the appearance of an elderly uncle and his niece rather than the inopportune love story it was.

Smoothing my hair he whispered words I never thought I'd hear from Spock. "I desired to make her my aduna."

I breathed heavily into his chest and he continued. "On some level I desire to make it so in this time."

I gasped slightly at the implication, pulling back slightly to look at his face. Was he proposing to me!?!

The ambassador continued despite the growing panic he no doubt felt thought our tenuous connection. "I understand that he has already made more acceptable choices in his treatment of you than I endeavored. In light of this I will not impede. But please understand if he does not wish to continue with the association you have accepted … I am easily reached."

The last part had an infliction of teasing but I knew the sentiment was real. I chuckled nervously, and leaned in to kiss his cheek.


	5. Chapter 4

**Submitted for your approval: This is the original ending. I cannot sanely tweak another words so sorry if there are any residual mistakes. I will post my Alternative Ending as soon as I have gone insane tinkering with the syntax. N'joy**

**Spock**

These gatherings made me uncomfortable; the stares, the judging, the underlying pity; I understood that I was essentially a 'man without a country' so to speak, but it did not make the situation any more tolerable.

My emotional resolve as of late was tenuous at best. My emotions lay right below the surface as I tried to reconcile the loss of my mother and Vulcan. One might say it was a "hair trigger" of control and Nyota seemed to be the only constant that reigned in my anger.

My face remained stoic as I navigated the crowd. It was she that sought out.

After much internal debate it was time that I inform her of my decision to remain in Starfleet.

Scanning the room I felt the familiar vibes she exuded. Strangely enough I could feel her presence almost anywhere. It was comforting and made me less volatile. When my eyes landed on her the scene displayed was anything but what I expected.

Curious.

She was in the embrace of for lack of a better term…myself. She looked slightly distraught and the elderly Vulcan looked wistfully at the crown of her dark hair. I felt a stirring in my abdomen, an emotion he knew all too well when it came to Nyota… jealousy.

Illogical.

The situation lent itself to many variables of crossing both space and time, but to be jealous of one's own self was indeed a predicament. I watched steeling my heightening emotions as the ambassador smoothed her hair gathering her tightly to his body and whispered something to her. I stood rigidly; eyes burning with thinly veiled rage when she raised her head and kissed the elderly man on the cheek. He released her and she seemed to step away reluctantly. Her eyes were locked on his not wavering as he observed the emotion in her eyes. I questioned however illogically if my elderly self was trying to steal Nyota from me, seduce her with the years of experience and knowledge that I had not yet attained.

During my intense musing I lost sight of her in the crowd. My elderly self had also gone missing.

Cocking my head in inward irritation, I scanned the room again.

**Nyota/Spock**

It was like she had fallen in love all over again. She now knew undeniably how much _her_ Spock loved her. She felt so strongly the need to find him; hold him kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. She needed him, even at the peril of her career.

Walking to the vacant balcony Nyota stared at the stars attempting to gain some semblance of courage, while desperately trying to center her erratic emotional state, otherwise she'd overwhelm him.

She didn't know what she could or would say but needed to do whatever to keep him with her.

****

After a few moments, he found her… alone. Letting loose a breath he did not realize he was holding Spock gathered himself and approached her.

She felt him at her side. He was at a loss for words so he simply followed her gesture of looking at the stars. The knot in his abdomen had not dissipated. Her hand brushed his and he got a rush of her emotions.

Love, Desire,… Confusion.

The jolt pained him and he spoke with more passion than he intended. "Do the emotions you harbor pertain to him?" Spock removed his hand from her reach placing his hands behind his back.

She stared at him confounded by the waver in his voice and the withdrawal of physical contact.

"Who are you talking about?" Her eyes narrowed. Was this about Kirk hitting on her again? When would he understand that any other man's advances could never illicit anything other than friendship, if Spock thought she would stray, he was woefully mistaken.

"I saw you with him." His even tone did not denote the inner most rage he felt. His insides shook with it. Spock shielded the emotion in his eyes by his continued stare at the skies.

Nyota shook her head and tried to think. The only man she had spoken with besides him in the last twenty four hours was…

"The ambassador?!?"

"Do you wish to pursue a relationship with him?"

Nyota nearly laughed, and if the situation had not been so serious, she would have. He was jealous of another man and more baffling was that the man in question was himself.

"Spock," her voice was calm and even, probably a little foreboding. He continued to stare in the stars reigning in the fire of emotion he fought hard to suppress.

"Spock," she repeated softly. He turned to look at her, accepting his fate to be dismissed from her love and allowing another to take his place.

Instead she slid her cool fingers along his cheeks and softly gripped the sides of his head bringing his face down to kiss him ardently. When she broke away his eyes remained closed.

"I love you Spock, more than anything in the universe."His eyes opened slowly as he stared down into hers. We were meant for one another and luckily we don't have to suffer from a lifetime of regrets.

His head cocked slightly in confusion. "The ambassador... informed me of the universe he knew." Spock seemed to recoil at the mention of his elderly persona's method of conveyance. "It's hard for me to imagine a place in which _we _never happened. She signaled her hands to indicate her definition of 'we'. "It's strange really, the difference of the smallest of choices can make in the fabric of our lives."

"Indeed." he agreed recalling the ancient expression of "a butterfly effect".

"He never had what we have." Her arms dropped to wrap around his waist loosely as she moved in for another kiss this time diving deeper; he quickly took control as his tongue touched every part of her mouth leaving her breathless.

"I love you, Spock."

"And I you." Not a full _I love you_ but close enough. At least now she knew he was capable of the words.

"Do you wish to retire to another venue?" he asked his voice dropping to a husky baritone.

"What do you have in mind?" a siren's smile crossed her face and Nyota moved closer to his body basking in the added heat created when he was slightly aroused.

"I must speak with you of a matter of particular importance."

"Sweet talker." She ran her fingers lightly across his uniform.

He cocked his eyebrow at her suggestive remark. "The matter is not entirely private I could perhaps encapsulate it here."

Nyota's mouth dropped in mock shock. "I never figured you for an exhibitionist."

Her fingers danced lightly on the tips of his ears and a small quirk of his lips conveyed his approval of the caress. The breath seemed to be forced from his lungs as her touch became more arousing. He choked on his words slightly as he began to reveal the news.

"Nyota… I am to remain in Starfleet."

A slow smile took over a face and before she could control herself and her hands slid into the small hairs at the nape of his neck and before he knew it, she was kissing him senseless. She forgot how public the balcony could become and skimmed her fingers again over the tips of ears. He moaned softly, a faint noise that she barely heard but felt the rumble all the way to her core. She was immediately aroused to a fever pitch, her panties were soaked, her breathing erratic.

He was the picture of stoicism while kissing her, his posture, still rigid and fully aware of the public place in which their affection was on display. He too felt the intensity of his desire for her, and began to map the most expedient way to escape the gathering, when he noticed the change in her scent.

An ordinary human male would not have easily picked up on this subtle change in the chemical pheromones of their mate but he was no ordinary human male, he was also half Vulcan. He broke the kiss suddenly, needing regain his composure. She would, as they say "be the death of him" and the physical contact combined with the smell of her made his control slip just enough to be dangerous. She looked at him speculatively noticing his slight agitation.

"Nyota we must leave."

She nodded dumbly, as though losing the ability to speak. That seemed to be happening a lot as of late. She shook her head ruefully remembering what the Ambassador told her. Spock noticed and raised a perfect eyebrow to her inner musings. Is there something that disturbs you?

"No, just…"she paused and took his hand intertwining her fingers with his. "He told me why"…she paused again to stare straight into his eyes. "In his universe we were never together." Spock nodded curtly in acknowledgement of these facts.

"He also told me that he loved me." Spock's hand tensed at the idea of another man telling Nyota of his affections, especially since he had yet to say those exact words, yet. He felt it, and he was sure she knew it, but the ability to say those illogical words escaped him. The meaning of them so tenuous, yet they meant the entire universe to her. His face remained as inexpressive as ever yet his eyes burned with an emotion she could easily decipher as of late, Anger.

"Please, Ashayam." Her words were calm."He needed only to say the words he felt needed to be said, however belatedly."

Noticing Spock's tension was not dissipating, she debated whether or not to keep the rest of her revelations to herself.

"He told me to tell you something, but I'm not sure if my devolution of this information is self serving." She stared into his stormy eyes.

Spock tensed.

"He told me, it would be in **_your_ **best interests to not let me leave your affections." She wrapped her arms loosely about him with a wide smile on her face.

Spock nodded as a small quirk of his lips relayed his thoughts over that particular piece of advice. "Nyota, I do not intend for that situation to occur."

She smiled warmly, lovingly before kissing him again. "Now, about that alternative venue."


	6. Altered StateChapter 4

**To all my readers/reviewers: Thank you for getting me through my first fic in about a year. This is the alternate ending y'all demanded. I know Leonard Nimoy is old enough to be my g'pa but I still find him sexy. If you have a hard time imagining it, Google a pic of Nimoy from the 60's. I'll wait… Did you do it?... Like I said, sexy. I think got extremely neglected in TOS needs a little action every now and then. Njoy! **

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Spock Prime

As she pulled away from the chaste kiss she placed on my cheek I did not release her immediately; instead I simply stared into her eyes. It was strange how this timeline seemed to center my affections on her more. Perhaps it was the passage of time since she was lost to me. Whatever the reason, my passion for her was intensified tenfold.

Her spirit in this life was similar but so captivating that it labored my breathing and intensified the already arduous beats of my heart.

I pondered briefly if I was feeling the natural effects of the altered reality in which I found myself. It would seem that no matter what, in this sequence of events I would always seek her out, as if it were fate…

As I pondered the implications of my interference in these events, I noted that her heart rate had increased by 10.4%. Her eyes took on a softened appearance and I was reminded of that glimmer that _my_ Nyota held when she sang along when I played the Vulcan lyre.

"Ambassador I am unsure of how to precede given… your obvious affection."

She swallowed hard, perhaps in nervousness, but to me it was titillating and I had to suppress a most irrational urge to growl. She noticed, perhaps it was the way my fingers tightened on her arms. I began to relive the impressions I received during our meld. _The way he looked at her as she slipped out of her uniform. _Nyota began to chew her bottom lip apprehensively. _The way their limbs slid against each other as they made love_. I felt a surge of lust and jealousy course a thin line down my spine.

Fascinating.

I had not felt this particular sensation in many years. The flickering of her uncertain eyes only exacerbated my growing lust, and from the look shining in her dark pools, I contemplated whether she had deciphered the direction of my thoughts.

"Ambassador?" she repeated, concern lacing her tone.

"I am too old to continue denying myself Nyota."

This confession again enlisted another gasp. I allowed another small smile to grace my features and I leaned in again, and this time it was not her cheek I sought.

**Nyota**

His lips met mine, uncaring of the highly public location.

I was in shock for a full three seconds before I responded. I should have politely pushed him away, should have demurely ended this…this, whatever... one would call it, but I didn't. Instead I kissed him back, deeply. What the hell was wrong with me? It felt as though I should've considered the notion that I was betraying _my_ Spock, but I didn't.

I wanted; no craved the guilt that should follow such an obvious betrayal. something, anything that would ping my sensibilities so that I would end this madness, but it never came. Instead I opened my mouth further allowing his tongue to sweep my own.

I heard a soft moan somewhere in the distance before I realized it was my own. The kiss seemed to infuse me with love and I felt of a lifetime of his affection consume and bathe me in depths. In the span of only a few seconds, that felt like years I explored the depths of his psyche.

_My_ Spock and I had not attempted to mesh this deeply for fear that he would overwhelm me with his fragile emotional state after all the drama. But this form of the meld was not so much overwhelming as it was intensely passionate and I experienced in the span of a few seconds, years of love for the man that stood before me.

Most troubling was the transfer of lust, it was awe-inspiring and dangerously strong. I felt like I was on fire consumed from the inside out. He was good at this, almost too good and I wondered if it was possible to have an orgasm from a simple kiss.

His hand cradled the juncture between the base of my head and the nape of my neck. My hands moved to either side of his face framing the sensitive lobes of his ears the fire inside me building…

As if on cue he broke the kiss willfully, still staring at me in amazement and a breathless murmur of. "Fascinating." was his only retort.

I opened my eyes from the half mast position they had been in since his lips left my own, to fully absorb the current situation.

His eyes were dark, predatory. I knew that look. I was sure I was the only one who ever caused that look at least in _my_ Spock, and it thrilled me.

Then like a well placed punch in the stomach, the guilt kicked in.

"Come with me Nyota."

From the tone of his voice I knew that he didn't just mean for a few moments.

"I- I- I can't." *Was I Stuttering!!!*

Was this the best I could do in defense of my love? _I can't,_ that statement was only uttered when one wished to convey ones inability to comply, not their unwillingness! Did that mean I was willing? What was I really saying? I felt as though I was hiding things from myself, like a damn split personality.

He gave me an appraising stare and shook his head ruefully.

"I know." The smile returned but did not reach his eyes. "We all must follow our own destiny"

He leaned in again and kissed my cheek this time. I blushed hotly, glad that my darker features, for the most part, hid the crimson rush.

It was all so strange and to me it felt like the first days of falling in love, where everything hummed with light, music and nervous heart flutters, except it was all so crooked and directed at the man who stood in front of me.

We were perfect strangers. We never spoke before this moment, yet I felt the pull all the same.

He placed his hand on mine and gave me an apologetic look before stepping away and melting into the crowd.

I took a deep breath and sound returned to the world around me and people seemed to circulate as though the pause was released on a holo. The whole experience felt like the air return in shuttle dock after disembarkation. A rush of emotion hit me so hard I wanted to cry, it was in an emotional turmoil. Dread, Love, Guilt, and Hope battled for control of my mind.

All of this was made even more impossible by a dominating faction somewhere in my brain that told me I could somehow keep both of them.

I had this overwhelming feeling that somehow my fantasy of keeping both of them was impossible and unfortunately I was going to have to make a choice. At that thought my heart clenched tightly and I couldn't breathe.

I had to get out of here. I looked for the nearest exit. Noticing the large opening that led to the spacious balcony terrace I fled in the most dignified way I could manage.

The balcony was deserted and I thanked any deity listening for that. My trembling hands gripped the stone railing, seizing it as though it were the only salvation between me and jumping to the sweet mental quiet of a concrete induced coma.

Was I having a nervous breakdown? Was the stress of the Battle of Vulcan and all the turmoil of being Spock's emotional rock finally manifesting itself in the total annihilation of my sanity and ultimately my love life?

Two Spocks, one in the same, yet so different. Both wanted me, loved me. I could choose... right?

I felt sick, how could I possibly be in such a situation?

Bowing my back, I hunkered down on hard barrier, kneading my palms desperately into the cool stone to alleviate the nausea.

I knew any choice between the two would kill something inside of me. I couldn't tell my heart no. It wouldn't listen. It wanted what it wanted, and it wanted to keep them both. My heart was so stubborn.

My head, well my head was another matter entirely. It happened to still be flirting with logical thought and it was screaming at me to **'get a grip!'**

As I lifted my quivering eyes to the stars I hoped like hell this split personality that I seemed to have developed in the last ten minutes listened to my head.

**Spock**

I hated these engagements now as much as I hated them as a boy. I navigated the crowd looking for Nyota. I could sense a small falter in the diminutive emotional bond we shared almost as if she was trying to block something from me. That only increased my urgency to locate her. She was not a woman that that could easily be lost in a crowd. To my intense ire she was often time the cause of a crowd as males seemed to flock to her in my absence. Jealousy was an illogical and primal emotion that interfered with my orderly carefully constructed demeanor. Unfortunately it was the only emotion that I seemed to have a hard time reconciling when it came to Nyota.

In the corner of the room I located her…

To say my reaction to sight in front of me was shock would be an understatement.

In a scene that would be worth of my most dreaded nightmares I witnessed my elderly counterpart intimately close to Nyota in what looked like a kiss. A passionate one. Time moved much slower than my internal clock tracked. I could feel the sound leave the room as my rage mounted and I began to shake slightly fighting the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me.

He pulled back and whispered softly to her as her deep chocolate eyes seemed to shine with unshed tears.

My heart stopped and I could not breathe as the blood boiled under my skin. Anger was a reaction I was getting entirely too comfortable with. What the hell did he think was he doing?

First he took advantage of Kirk in a ruse that caused me to lose my captaincy and now this, it all seemed as though he was sabotaging my life. _Our life._

I now pondered if his convincing me to remain in Starfleet was some carefully constructed deception so that he might claim Nyota for himself and send me off to parts unknown in the galaxy? Were there evil alternate realities out there? If so I could only conclude that he hailed from one of them.

Logic was beginning to fail me as the anger grew exponentially.

I took a deep breath to clear my head and when my eyes settled on the spot where they had been seconds before-- they were gone.

I believe the expression was... **Shit!**

**Nyota**

I felt his presence long before he loomed over me. His mind was screaming almost murderous thoughts. It was then that I worried that he may have seen that little scene in the ballroom.

He approached me in that catlike gait the denoted calm, but I knew better. Vulcan were **_much more_** emotional than humans, they just concealed it like no one's business. Isis give me strength.

**Spock**

It was some time before I sought her again. I managed to control my rage long enough to attempt a confrontation of her in a rational and logical manner.

My questions were many but the most pejorative would be if she had initiated this relationship and if so what would be the proper option for dissolution of our romantic association.

I saw her small form looking even frailer than she had been just moments earlier. She was seated on the stone balcony looking out towards the bay through the gaps in the railing. The cocoa colored skin around her eyes was swollen and red, the sleeve of her dress uniform was dark in one spot with what I assumed were tears. Every so often she would swipe it across her face and look sullenly at the bay.

My anger took another blow when I remembered the last time I saw her in this state.

The day after Vulcan when Gaila was listed among the dead and lost; she tried to remain stoic throughout the announcement, but I knew the fragility of her emotional state.

I wanted to stay angry for some feral reason but logically I could not. I approached her crouched form slowly her eyes rose to meet mine. No words were spoken as I stooped down to her. Taking her face in my hands I kissed her as passionately as I could muster. I was careful to control my emotions and block hers we were too volatile and it would not end well if allowed transference. She deserved passion, she deserved love, and she deserved to hear me say it, for now I hoped she would settle for my actions speaking louder than words.

**Nyota**

His eyes betrayed him, his expression, never…well almost never. They looked wounded and sullen. Had he been fully human he would be quaking with the level of his emotional turmoil –like me.

"I love you." I whispered quickly when his eyes finally rose to mine. His lips quirked and his eyebrow rose in acceptance, yet the pain remained.

"Do you?" He asked. I noted a bit of skepticism in his voice.

"Yes."

"Then why do you pine for another?"

"I don't, I want to be with you." I pulled his sleeve desperately, praying he saw my determination to convince him.

"Then why did you..." he paused, seeming to have difficulty voicing the rest of his statement.

"Spock." I whispered. I felt like crap. He _had_ seen me kiss the ambassador. My heart clenched, out of guilt of being caught or out of remorse for the obvious betrayal I wasn't sure.

"I do not wish to end our relationship, but the decision is entirely yours. I cannot force you to remain with me if you desire another." His eyes looked heartbroken, and it killed a little bit of my soul that _I _was capable of hurting him this way.

"But I don't want anyone but you." My weak whimper did nothing to persuade him and his eyebrow rose suspiciously. Okay now I was going to lose it. I couldn't believe this was happening. I was going to lose him if didn't get myself together.

This time I needed action not words. I leaned into kiss him more passionately than was prudent for such a public setting, even if we were somewhat secluded on this terrace. He did not respond as he usually did and instead pulled back after only a few seconds. His gorgeous long lashed brushed his cheeks in an extended blink before those dark eyes focused on me again.

"He told you…" his nostrils flared. Not good. Not good at all. "…that he wished to make you his mate." It wasn't a question. Damn Vulcan telepathy! I just nodded my head dumbly, my bottom lip quivering. His breathing had increased and I didn't need telepathy to tell HE- WAS- **PISSED**!

"You will _not_ go with him." that wasn't a question either, it was a command. I should have been offended at that possessive statement but I only nodded. It was a bit of a thrilled to be under his power.

What the hell was wrong with me today first my crush on an elderly Spock and now domination.

"Where do we go from here Spock?" I sounded so pitiful and I hated myself for it. I was stronger than this.

He cocked his head curiously. "I do not know."

He sat down beside me and looked outwards to the bay. I wondered how many centuries human found solace in the simple act of staring at the waves as they crashed into the rocks. It was a safe musing that lacked dire complications of my present emotional state, so I let my mind wander. I could only hope that this was merely a bump in an otherwise lengthy love affair, but I still couldn't shirk the ambassador's promises. I was still emotionally torn between the two and love had finally succeeded in finally knocking me down a notch.

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**Ouch… okay, so it's a little harsh but opens the door for a sequel...maybe. I though it logical to end with an alternate reality since it is the premise of the story. Thank you for your reviews and support.**


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